Friday, December 16, 2011

Holiday Wishes

Not really wishes for myself, though I certainly have plenty of hopes (getting my book out there more being one, obviously).

But no, as the holidays approach, and it's sunny and warm enough outside for me to have a nice walk today, enjoy my coffee shop porch, I think about all those close to me. I think about their trials and their needs.

I wait for a good friend to come back from a major operation, happy and ready to move on with her life.

I think about another friend who needs help with her chronic pain, someone who inspired me to make healthier choices and is always a source of positivity and strength. Today is her birthday, and she's feeling low, when all I can do is tell her what she means to me, which is everything.

I think about my closest friend these last couple of years, our mutual struggles, missing her terribly these last few weeks and wishing her some peace and freedom. I cherish her challenges to me, her forgiveness, and never let myself forget that this world must become more just if it is ever to deserve having her in it.

I anticipate the imminent visit of one of my favorite people, someone I was lucky enough to help and actually see grow into a gradually more confident and happy young woman, her whole future ahead of her.

Sometimes, I even think about the friends I've lost, people I once thought of as family, and I bear no ill will towards. Once in a blue moon I'll hear something through the grapevine about them, and while I can't pretend I'm that invested in them either way, I certainly don't wish them bad fortune.

I think about my family, slowly coming to accept me as I am. I think about my partner, the first person to give me a real chance at a lasting relationship, how we're still going strong. And I think about their own family, just beginning the long, and even more fraught journey, of accepting us for who we are.

I think about my greatest pillar of strength, who helped edit my novel and was there from page one, her fierce independence and brilliant intellect.

All kinds of people I really only know online also fill my thoughts, how they make me laugh, or empathize, or think critically, make my days richer.

The weight of all those thoughts, all those people, I can't lie, on balance it makes me feel ... Alot of anxiety, alot of sadness, and alot of powerlessness. The things I can't fix or make right on my own. I have my own problems in spades, but I am terribly privilege enough to be able to make gradual progress on everything from my health to, hopefully, my writing career. After this post, I need to explore a couple more options before packing up, walking home again, and finishing the holiday baking.

At the same time, even now when things are rougher than usual, too many people I know are hurting, I still feel lifted up, fortunate to know them and have even a little measure of their trust and respect.

I don't know what the next year brings. I told myself this year was going to be one full of change and fantastic new things. It is important to remind myself that this was so, I fulfilled that promise, even if not in all the ways I had hoped. The journey is going to be longer than I wanted or planned, and that's fine, maybe even better over all. I can't just set my fears down and walk away from them, as much as I might want to, because with them would go all of my investments of time and love and care. I can hold onto them more mindfully, bring those voices into a chorus with all the rest of myself, find harmony and reassure my fears that I am listening and working as best I can.

So... Back to all of that work.

The very happiest of holidays, and the very best of life be with all of you <3

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